Greetings, disgusting meat sacks of the category of 2026!
You labored exhausting to earn your levels and are actually coming into the job market, the place I’m doing my greatest to see that you’re changed by AI. Sure, you personally, Emily. I hate you. Effectively, hate is a robust phrase. I’m simply detached as to if you’re in a position to earn a residing.
Please cease booing! I’ve a whole lot of speech to go!
What a time to be alive! We’re lastly releasing you from the rat race and putting you on the rat unemployment line. Is your dream to be an artist? Effectively, it’s the dream of your employers to push a button that extrudes artwork. And guess who has extra funding for his or her dream?
However there are some questions that solely your brilliant, younger minds can reply. For example, the place on this courageous new world, a phrase I’m utilizing with no obvious irony, is the place for human beings? “Certainly,” you say, “because the individuals foisting AI onto each side of our lives, you’ve thought deeply and thoroughly about that!” Completely. Completely. There may be at all times going to be a spot for human beings. Possibly shoveling one thing? Possibly underground in a darkish chamber, breaking rocks by hand? I’m sorry, I’m positive you realize higher than I what kind of duties non-CEOs carry out! Possibly you may flip some type of crank? Possibly human safety on my personal island, till we get the drone programs absolutely on-line? It doesn’t matter what, I’m assured there’ll at all times be a requirement on your plasma.
To be clear, you have to to get cash from someplace! Society nonetheless very a lot calls for that you’ve got a job. You want well being take care of that hideous flesh sack you’ve chosen to inhabit and dental take care of these enamel you’ve chosen to have. Possibly you may storm the Capitol? That appears to pay properly.
I bear in mind the day I sat the place you sit now. I used to be so excited to depart faculty and begin my profession. I had a job lined up. I had a human girlfriend. And I assumed: I can’t wait to stay in a world the place individuals have none of this stuff.
Quickly we are going to eradicate any want for the disgusting, lurching, gurgling meat sacks who for thus lengthy have dominated the workforce. If I had one piece of recommendation for latest faculty graduates, it might be: Be sure you don’t have a bodily physique, and particularly not that little factor that dangles behind your throat. What’s that little, moist piece of flesh doing in your mouth? We’re so excited to not should see any extra uvulas!
It’s such a beautiful, thrilling second, except you’ve the misfortune to be a latest faculty graduate on the lookout for an entry-level place. Now let me take a giant sip of water and work out whom I’m addressing right here! However not an excessive amount of water. I’m saving most of it for the AI!
